Fawning: our need to please can make us lose ourselves

Silvia Grisendi
6 hours ago
4 min read

A reading suggestion: ‘Fawning’ by Dr. Ingrid Clayton (2025)

One of the hardest things I had to learn to do in my adult life is learning to say ‘no’. Or, in other words, stop saying ‘yes’ when what I really wanted to say was ‘no’ across a whole range of situations and decision making instances.

I know I am not alone in this, many of us find it difficult to establish boundaries and would rather bite the bullet than having to face potential criticism, judgement, misunderstanding, let alone conflict. Even if that means sacrificing our own needs and wellbeing, and having to live with the consequences.

So, in my health & wellbeing coaching experience I find this is a rather common theme, a behaviour with far-reaching consequences that people may become aware of only once they take the time to pause and look at potential sources of pain and discomfort in their current life and environment. Telling signs include struggling with self-care, worrying about being selfish or about being perceived as difficult, fear of disappointing others, tendency to take the blame, living in a state of hypervigilance, and more .

Is there a name to describe this set of behaviours driven by the need to avoid conflict, maintain harmony, always trying to please others almost as an automatic response?

Apparently the term is ‘fawning’ or ‘fawn response’. First coined by psychotherapist Pete Walker to describe an ‘instinctive survival strategy used to avoid danger by appeasing a perceived threat’, this is a strategy rooted in childhood experiences, developed in an effort to meet the innate need for safety and avoid negative experiences.

Now, clinical psychologist Dr Ingrid Clayton published Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves – and How to Find Our Way Back. I loved the book and recommend it to anyone who likes to dig a little deeper in their self-discovery journey.

In essence, the fawn response is a specific type of stress response that can become chronic, most often triggered by distressing (or traumatic in our perception) situations. We all know of 'fight, flight, or freeze' as common responses to distressing events, and fawning is just another, possibly less known, type of response.

The problem with fawning, Dr Clayton explains, is that while this response may have once protected us — for example in a childhood home where we had to keep the peace — this pattern of conflict avoidance can turn into a pattern of self-abandonment in adulthood.

Potential consequences later in life may include emotional overwhelm, low self-esteem, physical exhaustion, increased stress and anxiety, resentment, burnout, difficulty making decisions, suppression of needs and feelings, loss of sense of self.

Does any of this sound familiar? Personally I know I have been there, at some point or another. Hence the need to learn to set boundaries.

As a wellbeing coach, what stands out to me most from this reading is how familiar and widespread this feels. You don’t need a clinical trauma background to relate to it. Many of us learned early on that being agreeable, flexible, or “easy to be around” was how we stayed connected. Over time, that can erode our confidence and sense of worth.

Something else I liked about the book is the personal stories and client examples, it makes it more accessible.

Also, the way she looks at fawning is not as a flaw, but as a ‘strategy’ that at some point in our life we may have (unconsciously) created to keep us safe in unsafe (or perceived as unsafe) situations.

Fawning is our mind-body system being clever, not a flaw.

I love this. So, from this perspective the healing work is not about ‘fixing’ people, but learning that the need to adopt the ‘strategy’ is no longer there.

Once aware of this dynamic, we can take small practical steps to change, for example reconnecting with bodily cues (how our body communicates to us that something is not quite right), aiming to identify patterns of ‘over-giving’, and practicing small, safe acts of honesty (being true to yourself), slowly building tolerance for being seen as you really are.

Being true to yourself is not about becoming selfish (you keep being loving and wonderful!), but rather about seeing and respecting yourselves and the need to express your true nature.

Finally… let's bear in mind that there is no growth without discomfort, so if this ring a bell and you decide to look further into it, be prepared this might not be an entirely easy read, it may stir up things for you, and you may want to talk it out with someone who is willing to support you, or consider journaling as a way to make the insights you gain even more transformative.

Resources:

Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves – and How to Find Our Way Back.

If you feel drawn to exploring your own individual and unique way towards greater health and happiness, holistic coaching is a safe space for that.